guilt, but at the same time, who gives a rip?

summer is here in full swing. i think it hit 85 Fahrenheit (it just took me three attempts to spell that word correctly) today. this summer i'm sticking around in fort worth, just like last summer. "but!" you ask, "didn't you stay in ftw last summer, and wasn't it the worst summer of your whole life!?" yes, i did, and yes, it was. this summer is drastically different though! first of all, i'm not working a lame-o job at school that gives me severe depression and thoughts of suicide, or at least homicide. secondly, i will be taking one summer class (that actually affects my psyche positively b/c i am not wasting my life). third, this summer i have incredible friends who like to run around outside and party. i made some amazing friends over the school year, heck yea! so, i've been hanging out, a lot. and i've been partying and playing, a lot. i almost feel guilty, but who gives a rip? i worked hard for nine stinking months and now i have six weeks to live it up. the weather has been great and i'm in the best shape i've been in in the last two years. i mean, it's not all fun and games cuz i work, about 35 hrs a week, and i'm still real involved in church. the difference however, is the lack of class work, which i've found occupies a vast amount of space-time. i've simply filled that empty space-time with fun. best idea i ever had.

so today is memorial day, no work, beautiful. i slept in, awoke, and went mtn. biking with my buddy, michael. it was great except he needs to upgrade a few key components (brakes...), and then we ate some freaking barbeque! what will i do tonight? well, maybe i'll watch a movie (i watched two yesterday b/c it was raining) or read a book (probably not) or go out (...) or get a tattoo (don't worry mom it'll have you name on it, "mom").

wanna hear what i did last week, b/c i do! monday-work, swim, hang out with friends. tuesday - work a half day, work out at rac, rock climb to exhaustion with friends. wednesday-work, no working out, church. thursday - work half day, swim, don't remember what else but it involved friends. friday - work, swim, go out for my bday with friends. the weekend has actually been keyed lower than the week. i've spent more time relaxing with myself. it has also been good.

i've been swimming a lot b/c i want to get in to swim shape for a triathlon(s). so far so good, though i doubt i'll be in shape for the xterra tri in little rock which contains an 800 yard swim component followed by a ten mile mtn bike ride and then a 5k. for reals chelsea, 800 yards?

as good as it gets.

i just realized that i need to log this moment away while it's in the present. i'm currently reaping the benefits of a great decision made yesterday. while at work, around 2:45 in the afternoon, i spontaneously decided to drive to austin for the night. after looking around i realized that if i stuck around for the next two hours at work, for one i'd be bored, and secondly i'd miss out on some ideal roadtrip weather. so i called my dad and let him know i was heading home. my sister was gonna be in town with her boyfriend tj, and they along with my mom had wanted me to come down anyways. it was a nice surprise for them when i showed up at the house that evening.

i'm currently sitting on my back porch in the shade. we've been out here all day. my dad's slow-smoking a brisket, mom's lying on the hammock, and mary k and tj are in the house making chocolate truffles. in a couple of hours two of my cousins along with their boyfriends are coming over for dinner.

the weather's perfect, breezy yet warm, the grass and the trees are a lush green, and the birds are back. i love it when the sunlight passes through the tops of the leaves, lighting them up while the foliage below remains dark and shady.

if i had stayed in ft worth i'd be at the tcu library writing a paper. it'll get done, and there will always be another paper. but moments like these only fall into place only so often.

great saturday.

sometimes i get a little bummed out. does anyone else want continual excitement, like in a movie or on a cool poster or in a great song?

i kind of just coast without becoming the person i like to imagine or leading a life that looks like the one i imagine. in my visualization i'm a lot cooler. well, i dress a lot cooler. and i hang out in cool places and only ride my bicycle around. i also have a fun job that is both hip and important. my home is well-lit by natural sunlight and i have a great sound system complete with a turntable/cassette player. basically, i would live in my friend travis's house in austin, if you've ever been there.

additionally, i write music and great short stories. occasionally i play in coffee shops, but mostly the songs are for me.

i suppose those things are all very shallow. i'm told they are. we're supposed to mortify the flesh or something. we're shooting for loftier things like godliness and service. i love those things, but i'm not sure it always has to be at the expense of...life.

i don't mind denying myself when it's necessary, but sometimes some of the things i feel compelled to deny don't seem necessary. these things feel like a natural part of me. i naturally want to be in certain places and to do certain things that are well-lit by natural sunlight. i also really want to ride my bike every where with people who also enjoy riding their bikes when possible. simple, i know, but it means something to me. maybe i'm a bad christian and seminary student. maybe i'm immature. maybe i'm bad at this whole self-denial thing. maybe i'm selfish.

or maybe i'm unhealthy for not expressing these things and thinking that i have to smother them.

what if every person decided to stop.

to stop measuring one another.
to stop measuring themselves against their own silly ideas.

to stop making mirrors. let the pond be your cloudy mirror. we weren't meant to see ourselves so clearly and with such criticism.


God is there and big. He is much lovelier; beyond the immediate, imposing surroundings that temporarily confound our vision



"i again saw under the sun that the race is not to the swift and the battle is not to the warriors, and neither is bread to the wise nor wealth to the discerning nor favor to men of ability; for time and chance overtake them all."

men don't want to know God as He is, but as they want Him to be

another one about fort worth

what? i kind of live here now. i take the city that i live in very seriously.

in this post i'm complaining so bear with me.

everyone who knows me moderately well knows that i appreciate a good cup of coffee. they may also know that i thoroughly enjoy and spend most of my time in good coffee shops, or at least i do when they're present. you see my friends, in the last year three of fort worth's four independently owned coffee shops closed down. we very recently lost the best of them all, eurotazza. i didn't get to enjoy eurotazza as much as i would have liked because it was too far away for even a weekly visit. the only coffee shop other than starbucks still open is four star coffee bar located downtown. again, the location is the obstacle to my enjoyment. there's no way i'm cruising downtown just for a coffee shop every week. it's not even that nice.

for the sake of comparison i counted the number of indie coffee shops in austin and it numbered around forty (there could be more because i kinda gave up counting.) there is one in fort worth, which is a city of over 700,000 people mind you. college station has at least four that i can think of off the top of my head. so, college station has 400% more indie coffe shops that ftw at least, and austin has 4000% more. i think that's right, i'm no elementary mathemetician.

this is upsetting to me. there are seven starbucks in my local area. that there are nearly no non-corporate coffee shops in the city of fort worth while there are 10 starbucks tells me this; the people in this town drink coffee but they have no understanding of the value of the local coffee shop. they don't get it. i have observed that fort worth in general is relatively void of any locally owned businesses. where is the creativity? where is the challenge or initiative? where is the pride in one's place of residence? the city of austin however, time and time again asserts that they do their business their way. there's little desire for the manufactured, packaged, mass-marketed comfort of the universal product or storefront. the locals do it best for the locals. pride, creativity, authenticity, entrepreneurship.

i'm not anti-corporation. i'm sitting in a starbucks right now (obviously i have no choice,) i bought my shirt at old navy, and my hoodie at target. i'm fairly corporate. i am wearing simple brand shoes though. i can appreciate a capitalist economy in which the more succesful business is able to produce the product more efficiently and sell it cheaper than the next guy. this is bigger than the large-box corporations though. this is dependent upon the local consumer. this is a state of mind prevalent within a large population. it scares me. does anybody else care?? and i can't recommend that anyone else try to open a coffee shop or any other small business because it probably will not be sustained by local consumers. small business is not viable in fort worth.

this is obviously not just about coffee shops. to me the coffee shop crisis is indicative of much more. it represents a state of mind.

fort worth for the long haul?

maybe, maybe not.

let's just all agree that the lord is crazy and beautiful. both. i'll tell you why i believe such a statement. the last nine months have been very literally, a roller coaster of emotions. in relation to past experience with my own emotions i would say this most recent roller coaster-ing makes those of the past look like the 25 cent airplane ride outside the grocery store. this one was big. based on that comparison, those of you who spent time with me over the last nine months might wonder if i typically express any emotion at all. i probably seemed pretty normal and chill. i was pretty chill for the most part, but it was in my alone time that the ride was most intense.

my greatest struggle has been over whether or not i should remain in fort worth. i've blogged about it in the past. basically, this city has been wretched and repugnant to me since the moment i crossed into its limits. it is not attractive and it seems to lack any character whatsoever. i moved from the mountainous wilderness in colorado to a tiny house in the bario with a steel plant for a backyard. add to that a truly abrasive, christian, academic atmosphere and you have a recipe for...hell? or growth (by the way, it's not all unattractive and it doesn't entirely lack character.)

i'll refrain from too many of the cliche's (refiner's fire, etc.). it does seem that we grow the most through adversity. ironically, the lord tends to move us exactly where we don't want to be. why? well, in my case it is so that i look no where but to Him. so that i find no contentment anywhere but in Him. if i can be content in fort worth, i've gone a long way towards that goal. there's more to it than that, but that is my ultimate lesson over the last nine months.

so...what exactly is keeping me? it seems that as i have realized more and more my freedom to leave, the lord has given me more and more reason to stay. my freedom has changed from freedom to leave, to freedom to remain. i am at peace with this. it has everything to do with my church. i know that no where else will i have the opportunity to do what i am doing in such a significant way. i am a part of something much greater than i realize and if i were to leave then i would lose this amazing opportunity. i am searching for church with people who are also truly searching for church, in the context of a ministry that is so needed and yet so neglected by the church as a whole. epic. my friends, this, this is epic.