sometimes i get a little bummed out. does anyone else want continual excitement, like in a movie or on a cool poster or in a great song?

i kind of just coast without becoming the person i like to imagine or leading a life that looks like the one i imagine. in my visualization i'm a lot cooler. well, i dress a lot cooler. and i hang out in cool places and only ride my bicycle around. i also have a fun job that is both hip and important. my home is well-lit by natural sunlight and i have a great sound system complete with a turntable/cassette player. basically, i would live in my friend travis's house in austin, if you've ever been there.

additionally, i write music and great short stories. occasionally i play in coffee shops, but mostly the songs are for me.

i suppose those things are all very shallow. i'm told they are. we're supposed to mortify the flesh or something. we're shooting for loftier things like godliness and service. i love those things, but i'm not sure it always has to be at the expense of...life.

i don't mind denying myself when it's necessary, but sometimes some of the things i feel compelled to deny don't seem necessary. these things feel like a natural part of me. i naturally want to be in certain places and to do certain things that are well-lit by natural sunlight. i also really want to ride my bike every where with people who also enjoy riding their bikes when possible. simple, i know, but it means something to me. maybe i'm a bad christian and seminary student. maybe i'm immature. maybe i'm bad at this whole self-denial thing. maybe i'm selfish.

or maybe i'm unhealthy for not expressing these things and thinking that i have to smother them.